Chasing Stars

Chasing Stars

To finally sit here with the intension of writing my first blog post is quite intimidating. Writing became a prominent part of my life as I hit the road, I hands down admit that english and writing were never my strong points, but the longer I'm out of education the more I realise I don't have to tick a box or have the grades to do something that feels good. My spelling is appalling (thank god for spell check) Im sure my grammar and sentence structure is all wrong but I'm not here to write a book but more to share my thoughts, I try to type as I would talk to you in person, or to myself when I am alone.
That being said I am finally getting over my walls that I'm not good enough to have my own blog on my own website. Until now I have shared my thoughts on limiting Instagram posts, this blog gives me the space to write about whatever I want for as long as I want and i guess that's what has been intimidating me so much.
I want to be honest, always. I want to honour my romantic tendencies and write about the magic I see, I want to share with you my travels, triumphs and tribulations.
To be truly honest I must admit that I have lost my flow, words of wisdom are no longer tumbling from my lips. My mind feels like a dark ocean, my thoughts scattered among the surface like the reflection of stars, as I try to reach them they ripple and float away, i am splashing rather than floating. This is not to say I am unhappy, just disconnected from myself, unbalanced.
The fact I have come to realise this is a step in the right direction, balance has been a recurring problem and solution in my life. I'm not sure where I'm going with this but I feel the need to share a real glimpse into one of the many sides of living on the road while I'm experiencing it in real time.
I don't want anyone to think I am complaining or that I don't like this path I have chosen, the trials are all part of this and every life but the sharing of them is less common. There was a time when I was writing daily, these times are usually when I am alone and traveling towards a destination. When I am alone I fill my time with meditation, yoga, exploring new places and spaces all of which is inspiring and thought provoking but usually if I'm being really honest, it can be lonely. I find myself writing and posting on Instagram because it creates connections and conversations.
I love being alone, I love being on the road and Inspired and truly connected with my inner wisdom, I have come to realise how important meditation is to feel connected with myself. But there always comes a time when I need more than myself, more than an online conversation. This is my second year on the road, like last year I set new intensions for my year ahead. I learnt last year that the people and connections you make while traveling are deep and so powerful but also fleeting. This year I intended to find my tribe, a family unit, something that is seemingly quite difficult when the people and their vans move so frequently but as manifesting goes I knew all I had to do was believe and trust.
As always the universe was listening, I write this with the biggest smile on my face. For the last few months I have been surrounded by some of the most wonderful people, friends who make me feel loved and safe. Like any family we are all different, a mixed bag of vagabonds and I wouldn't have them any other way.
We have celebrated 4 birthdays, pulling together our mixed bag of skills to create magical evenings dancing under the stars, with dj's and food cooked by chefs. Exploring abandoned garden centres, beaches and forests.
When I write it all down like this I see how easily van life can be romanticised, it is romantic.
I think I am drawn to van life because it mirrors my character. I like to live on the romantic side of life, my head in the clouds searching for the fairy tale ending. I like my emotions deep, my relationships real, I like to feel alive, awake and in touch with my surroundings. I like chaos but equally I like order, I like to be alone but also surrounded by love. All of this is achievable but not without balance.
Finding balance In such an unpredictable world is something Im still working on and maybe the work never stops. I know the reason i feel a little lost right now is because I've been giving my all to my new family, not wanting to miss a moment of joy. A part of me is scared to loose something so special, at any moment anyone of them could fly away, I immerse myself, collect the memories. I don't regret the time I've put Into my friends but I have to learn to put as much time back into myself so I can be the friend they deserve, the friend I deserve.
I can't remember the last time I meditated or made a decision just for me. This is the first time I have made time to write, to delve into my mind and really question how I feel. I have been creating but more out of necessity over passion. I can feel the difference, i feel disconnected from the online world and in return my sales are less. Money is an ever present issue, I wish it wasn't but with such an unpredictable life, a phone and laptop about to choke, a van that clunks and creaks, I never know when the next big payout will be or how long I can sustain myself.
This isn't a complaint but more an observation, I knew this was the life I was stepping into, and a path a will keep treading. I guess I wanted to share how real this life can be, how problems and down times occur even in the most romanticised lifestyles. I want to get back on my path and part of that includes this website, I don't want to shy away because I don't feel I have something awe inspiring to share.
I wasn't really sure what the point to this blog post was when I started but I realise now I'm writing to myself, and to anyone my words resonate with, it doesn't matter if this means nothing to many. I'm writing to the parts of me that tell me I'm not good or exciting enough to be writing a blog. That I should hide in the shadows until I feel worthy again, Im here to remind myself that no one is 100% all of the time. Down time is ok, loosing yourself in new experiences and friends is ok but remembering to honour yourself and your needs is paramount.
To those of you that dream of this lifestyle or any lifestyle other than the one you're living right now. Don't give up on that dream but also don't wish away the days. This life, like any life will test you and its getting through the harder days that make you strong and resilient enough to keep fighting for what you want. When you reach that dream it isn't just clean sailing, fighting for what you want now will help you keep your dream alive when you reach it.
I have to say I feel a lot lighter, it's taken me hours to get my thoughts in writing but it feels good to push myself through something I believed I no longer could. I feel rusty and out of practice but I remember now why I love to write, it's not about being the best at something or moving mountains it's just something that helps me un scrabble my thoughts, a way to be transparent in a world that is highly romanticised. I hope this is a stepping stone to creating a little more balance in my life, to make this space what I always wanted it to be. A place I can be real and connect and share my creations with you. I hope this post is a gateway to much more writing, to connect with myself and grow this little business that has become so important to me. With practice, patience and perseverance I can make my dreams come true.







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